I am not sure when the epiphany seed was planted exactly – it seems like over a year ago. I do know who planted it, however. What started out as a business relationship grew into a friendship, and with that respect came trust. In a brave act of vulnerability, I was shown an alternate explanation for my reality, the shape of my world, and my place in it. Cognitive dissonance immediately set in, rejecting what I had seen as a collective conspiracy designed to manipulate and confuse me. Yet, I couldn’t discount my new friend because trust dictated that I couldn’t. I started doing my own research and brought in the perspective of my best friend, ensuring that I wasn’t suffering from early-onset dementia. Nausea became my constant companion, and oftentimes neck, back, and leg pain would join in.
The consequences have been varied and intense, and it is the deepest rabbit hole I have ever fallen into. As I go into the public, people do not look the same as they used to. This alone sends me into a self-induced feedback loop where I question my perception of others and wonder if they look different because I am different or if I’m just making baseless conclusions. Memories of the past come into my mind unexpectedly, the kinds of memories that I didn’t want brought into the light. I question everything, for the knowledge I thought I had set in stone is now rubble. Each night my mind attempts to reconcile the conscious with subconscious, leaving only footprints in wet clay. Each morning I wake with an overwhelming mandate to be meek, no matter what happens.
I am dissolving a desire to tell you about all the terrible things that have happened in my life and how amazingly unique I am because of them. Do I really need to lay my heart to bare in a couple of sentences to grab your attention? It seems that the most extreme gets the most attention these days, irregardless of authenticity. I shouldn’t have to lay out all my tragedies and triumphs to justify my voice, and it’s also tacky. Instead, I am going to write what I know and let you make your own conclusions when finished.